1) Limits - Making a List and Checking It Twice

There is no need for each of us to “re-invent” the “BDSM wheel”. There are many others that have come before us that have tested and tried different things and have found the things that most often lead to the most success. Wisdom tells us that the best way to gain more wisdom is to learn from the wisdom of others. We are here today to share some of that wisdom with you. If you are going to gamble with your happiness and personal safety, isn’t it wise to learn about the handicapping system and the odds of success before placing your bets? I want each and every one of you to be the most successful possible.

a) What are limits

Limits are most simply, what you will and will not do. What you can and cannot do. What you are allowed and not allowed to do. Limits are boundaries. Without “good” limits spelled out, how do we know when we have successfully reached our goals? Without “bad” limits spelled out, can we check to see if we are headed toward disaster? On some highways, there are high limits of speed and low limits of speed posted. This is done to most successfully aid in the flow of traffic. Someone travelling at a speed higher than the posted limit reduces their chances of successfully completing their journey. Someone travelling at a speed lower than the minimum limit may hinder others in their journeys. BDSM limits are not always yes or no. Sometimes they are yes, but… Sometimes they are no, but…

b) Why everyone needs to write down limits (no matter how tedious it seems)

Everyone needs to write down, have a list of, their limits because our memories are not always perfect. We need to refer to this list when we are communicating and negotiating with others to have the most success possible. A written limits list aids communication. The written lists allows us to think things through ahead of time, avoiding mistakes that can be made in the heat of the moment. By having a written limits list we are allowed a greater freedom. We are allowed to freedom to be much more open and honest with others when it comes to a relationship and increases the chances of success of that relationship exponentially. This openness and honesty also gives more opportunity to test a potential partner before engaging them more intimately. Finally, a written limits list shows that you are serious and thoughtful concerning you life experiences. Both of these are very good qualities to show. These qualities also cause potential predators pause and avoid a potential disaster. Yes, even the dom or top needs to have a written list and share that list with the sub or bottom. This instills more confidence in the sub or bottom that the dom or top is taking their wellbeing seriously, as well as providing for another opportunity for further communication and negotiation.

c) Health issues when listing limits

Health and physical and mental limits must be addressed so that they can be brought out in negotiation for your own safety and to respect your partner. Again, I place an emphasis on success here. Health issues can have a great influence on how we want to play and how we are able to play. For example, untreated high blood pressure might make inverted suspension not only uncomfortable, but deadly.

d) Changing limits (as we grow/change)

Life happens. People change. We grow. We accomplish goals and set them to the side and make new goals. We want to try new things to keep like fun and exciting. We should expect change to happen, even if we cannot predict what that change might be. We should look on change as opportunity.

2) Negotiation - How to Say NO

Because submissives are submissive, many find it difficult to say no. To be successful in the lifestyle, in a BDSM relationship, submissives must learn to say no. It is ok to say no. It is better to say no sooner, rather than later. It is best to say no when negotiating instead of trying to wait until the middle of a scene or after a relationship is established. A submissive can always change their response to yes at a later date. No’s are to be respectful and are to be respected.

a) What is negotiation

Negotiation is the open and honest communication between two or more people or groups where each expresses their likes and dislikes. Their desires and goals. Negotiation is when each must refer to their limits list (mentally or in written form). At the end of negotiation, a “contract”, either verbal or written, would be established. Negotiation is a series of if’s, and’s, and but’s.

b) Why everyone has to negotiate (no matter how tedious it seems)

Habit. One main reason to practice negotiation each and every time is habit. If we are in the habit of using good negotiation skills, we increase our chances for success and satisfaction.

c) Health issues in negotiation

Recently contracted communicable diseases, such as colds or flu, should be mentioned. STD’s definitely have to be mentioned. Communicable diseases do not have to stop play, but extra precautions will need to be implemented.

d) Honesty (and integrity)

Honesty is the ability and demand on ones self to be fully truthful in communication with others. Integrity is the action that shows we are performing in accordance with our word, our honesty.

e) Re-negotiation

I want to take this opportunity to interject some writing that texaspuddles has done on the subject of re-negotiation because I feel that when negotiating, the “whole person” must be considered. texaspuddles wrote, “When you negotiate you must take many things into consideration, the likes and dislikes of each other, the health of each other, the economic situations you are both in, and the other life things (vanilla life) such as children, work, family… These things all need to be considered each time you negotiate or contract. All these things change sometimes gradually and sometimes rapidly. Boredom can affect re-negotiation needs as well, now do not say that you will never get bored with your partner; it is not your partner you are bored with, it is the rut you can get into. The repetitive play, the groups you belong to can lack one or the other’s best friend… many things can affect how you feel about each other. At this point, you need to re-negotiate things. Whether they are the groups you hang with or the types of play you do. Agree to try new things, agree to join a new group, change the way you do things that might be unpleasant for the other person.

Re-negotiation is just as important as the first negotiation you ever do with your partner. “

3) Safe Play - Trust and Having a Way Out

BDSM is no different than the “vanilla” world when it comes to building relationships. Also similarly to the “vanilla” world, success in the BDSM lifestyle and “play” requires trust that can lead into success. To gain trust, we must “date” or “court” those around us to build these relationships and trust. To gain trust, each must be tested to be trustworthy. When trust is broken, there must be a safe way out. Because of emotion and risk involved, sometimes the way out will seem more drastic than what might be experienced in “vanilla” relationships.

a) Safe Word/Signal

The most commonly used safe word is “red”. Some tops will “require” the use of a difficult safe word or phrase for the purpose to maintain control of the bottom and give them a way to claim innocence if abuse occurs. This is wrong. “Red”. Learn it, love it, live it. A safe signal is usually a hand signal. If a gag or hood is being employed, or in a noisy play situation, some alternative to verbal communication must be available.

b) Safe Calls

Explaining safe calls is a bit tricky. Safe calls are phone calls. Safe calls must be designed and arranged for each individual’s circumstance. Safe calls go hand in hand with honesty and integrity. Saying what you will do (and will not do). And then doing what you have said. For safe calls to be effective, both the caller and the callee must be in correct location at the proper time. It is strongly emphasized that the subject of the safe call not deviate from the planned location(s) for any reason. If it is felt that a deviation has to be made, it is probably best to cancel that “date” and make another at a later time.

c) How to get out of a bad situation

Cut your losses and run! Just say no! Say no loudly and mean it. This is where your safe calls come in handy. This is where it is necessary for your safe call to know your exact location. If needed, code phrases can be used during a safe call. These code phrases would have to be arranged with the safe call in advance. For example, if the scene is actually going well, one could say, “The scene is going well”. If assistance was needed to get out, one could say, “Things are going magnificently.” This would not likely tip off the other person but would alert the safe call that immediate action was needed. Safe calls should not hesitate to act.

d) Risky Play

All BDSM play is risky to some degree. “Risky play” is any BDSM play that will most likely cause serious injury or death if proper steps for safety and education are not taken into account. A rope around the front of the neck is almost always a “no-no”.

e) Safety Equipment

The number one piece of safety equipment that should be used is a spotter. An extra set of eyes and hands. Within the dungeon, we try to have Dungeon Monitors present. The most dangerous play is done privately with only two people present. There is safety in numbers. For rope play, an appropriate rope cutting tool should be at hand, a sharp knife, safety scissors, or shears.

f) First Aid

The first step to first aid is proper sanitation and personal hygiene. Avoiding cross-contamination and infections is extremely important. The next most important first aid technique involves avoiding shock in the bottom. Keep a blanket handy to wrap up in. Intense physical stress induced during a scene can induce shock. Depending on the severity of this shock, it is possible for this to be a life-threatening situation.

g) 9-1-1

When to call 9-1-1? 9-1-1 should be contacted any and every time someone is seriously injured or a law has been broken. It is much better and easier to explain things to the police than the mortician.